I let myself down

I have to stop letting people F me over.

That’s it. That’s the tweet.

The last few months have been a whirlwind for me. I broke up, was forced out from my apartment after just two months, started a freelance job that didn’t pay me, and was involved in a hit-and-run.

I realized it was mostly all my fault.

I’ve always been labeled the “nice guy” since childhood. I was the quiet kid teachers loved, the responsible one in clubs, and the obedient son who never talked back to Mom.

Everyone said I was “such a good boy.”

Despite the praise and supposed moral high ground, I faced many challenges growing up. I was bullied for being a goody two shoes and chastised for acting up at home, even when there were valid reasons.

How did that impact me? It left me with a profound knowledge gap in my understanding that I needed to establish healthy boundaries against others’ expectations of me, for my own well-being.

How it happened.

This past September is a perfect example.

One of my roommates decided to move out with one weeks notice, leaving me no time to find a replacement.

What the H?

“I don’t have the money to cover a three bedroom apartment in Los Angeles by myself.” That was my immediate thought.

I tried to reason with him, suggesting we extend our stay for another month, but he was dismissive and told me to figure it out.

A heated argument with my ex soon followed. We exchanged hurtful words that left us both emotionally bruised. Unspoken frustrations suddenly erupted, leaving us heartbroken.

A few days later, I started a freelance job with a college friend. She’d asked me to produce a “Vertical” with her (a long-form screenplay shot vertically), which I happily accepted since I’d been laid off in June.

We discussed how things would be tough during the project, but we’d both be in it together. And since I had to leave my apartment soon, we decided to rent an Airbnb while we worked for the next month.

Big mistake.

In the process of that project getting started, I took a trip to a local coffee shop to find shelter from a sudden heatwave.

I’d been away form my car for about an hour and a half before I returned to find sticky note from a kind witness notifying me that someone hit my car and ran.

Wonderful.

By now, the project was consuming every bit of my life. I’d been working long hours, 15-16 daily, to pull this shoot together. My now absent friend and Executive Producer, who’d asked me to join the project, had left me to produce a feature film in two weeks. Alone.

I managed hiring a crew, scouting locations, securing equipment, briefing department heads, and handling client inquiries independently. Meanwhile, she was off shooting music videos, working on other projects, and getting… liposuction.

Yes. In the middle of our shoot, she decided to go and get liposuction.

I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown, so I left the project early, and having foolishly decided to split the Airbnb with my friend, I suddenly needed another place to stay.

This awkward situation led me to sleeping on the floor of my cousin’s half-empty North Hollywood apartment for nearly 7 days while I worked to figure out my next move.

Ultimately, I moved back home.

What I learned.

I’ll admit, the last few months left me feeling defeated.

I was laid off in June, which led to the loss of my income. To make ends meet, I had to move into a second apartment, but I was soon forced out. Then, I faced unexpected damage to my car and had to leave my Airbnb, resulting in a third move. However, the most painful loss was the end of a relationship and the potential loss of a longtime friendship.

That’s a lot to experience back-to-back, and to make matters worse, I was broke and had to move back home to live with my mom at 29.

But here’s the truth - I can’t blame anyone else for the outcomes of these situations; I can only blame myself.

There comes a point in life when you decide to grow up and take responsibility for the outcomes in your life, and that’s where I’m at today.

All these situations felt out of my control in the moment, and there’s much more to each story than I can write about. But I realized that by being the “nice guy,” I put myself in situations that allowed me to be taken advantage of and disrespected.

From the apartment fiasco to the lost wages, I made choices that left me vulnerable to exploitation, and I vow to myself never to repeat that.

After reflecting on the past few months, I’ve learned several valuable lessons and takeaways that I want to share with you to help you avoid making the same mistakes.

Here are four simple principles that can help you to finally let go of the “nice guy” persona.

1. Be honest.

As nice guy, I often found myself holding back my true opinions, sharing watered-down versions of what I really wanted to say.

Living this way prevented me from having difficult conversations about my true opinions, a self-preserving habit stemming from a childhood full of praise for my agreeableness.

Even though it feels validating, praise can be addictive, and this form of constant praise as a child distorted my self-perception, meaning I learned to seek people’s approval to feel worthy.

This need for acceptance led me to hide my true feelings to avoid losing people’s positive opinion. But as a kid, I didn’t realize that healthy relationships, including friendships, romances, and even professional ones, can’t be built solely on positive input.

Total honesty is the only way to support a healthy relationship.

So stop avoiding it.

Withholding your true thoughts and opinions in relationships is self-sabotage. Avoiding honesty (and conflict) leads to situations like the one’s I ended up in; dumping pent-up emotions on loved ones and having to pick up the pieces from avoidable messes.

2. Stand your ground.

If you struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries, you’re not alone. Healthy boundaries teach you, and others, what your expectations are about how you want to be treated.

Remember, you can only blame yourself for situational outcomes, positive or negative, and in my case, I enabled negative outcomes by being willing to allow others to overstep and by not standing firm on the boundaries that I should have set.

Setting healthy boundaries for myself would have involved simply telling my roommate that I needed more time to plan my move. No explanation to him or anyone else needed.

It would have also required me to inform the project EP that I wouldn’t continue to burn myself out by working 15-hour days and that I shouldn’t have crossed that boundary in the first place.

You are the first line of defense for enforcing your boundaries. If you compromise your personal boundaries to accommodate others, you set a tone that allows them to overstep.

Setting boundaries and standing your ground is equally important for teaching yourself how you should be treated and for teaching others your expectations about how they should treat you.

3. Put yourself first.

When I worked multiple 15-hour days back-to-back for those couple of weeks, I feared that I would put my friend’s company at risk of losing thousands of dollars, and upset the entire crew if we postponed the shoot. Meanwhile, I was severely sleep-deprived, neglected my physical well-being, and genuinely miserable.

In other words, I was afraid to put myself first.

This point builds off of the last one, but it’s just as important to know and understand - you have to take care of yourself if you’re going to take care of others.

That’s non-negotiable.

Putting your mental or physical well-being at risk for the sake of others is not an acceptable way to achieve goals or maintain healthy relationships.

While there may be instances involving close family members or friends that necessitate a higher level of self-sacrifice, I’m not referring to those.

I’m referring to repeated situations where you overlook your own needs in favor of supporting someone or something else who would otherwise find solutions if you weren’t there to assist them.

It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of work and life, neglecting your well-being in the process. However, learning to prioritize your well-being in any situation is a valuable skill that can lead to greater success and fulfillment.

4. Hold everyone accountable.

Hold everyone accountable, starting with yourself.

This is the most crucial point because if you live by it, you’ll be much less likely to disappoint yourself.

Accountability is a funny word because we often apply it to others. However, before we can hold others accountable, we must first hold ourselves accountable.

If I had held myself accountable earlier, I would have reflected on how I prioritized others’ needs over mine, potentially harming myself. I would have avoided crossing boundaries I had set and been open with others about my discomfort or disagreements.

Once you begin holding yourself accountable, and only then, can you start holding others accountable.

What does that look like?

Simple. You hold others accountable by upholding the above four principles - it really is that easy.

Achieving accountability with others isn’t hard, messy, or scary; it’s just a normal part of life that comes with honesty, boundaries, self-prioritization, and holding yourself accountable first.

Moving forward.

As much as it frustrates me to realize that, as a “nice guy”, I’ve been the primary cause of my own problems, I feel empowered knowing that I’m also the solution.

The past few months have taught me that every time I let myself down, I have the chance to learn a valuable lesson and potentially alter the course of my life.

Some people will grasp these lessons and make the necessary changes, while others will persist in repeating the same mistakes. That’s okay.

Breaking free from the programming that created the habits and incorrect thought patterns about how we should interact with the world will take time and require dedication to making steady progress each day.

If you find yourself dealing with similar problems, frustrated that you feel like a “nice guy” and are convinced that you can’t win in life, it’s time for you to take responsibility for yourself and recognize that you have the power to change your situation.

Join me on my journey as a “Late Stage Nice Guy” and let’s chart a new path for ourselves, together.

-Maliik